Life with a speech Impediment.

The introduction of the self help speech book I am working on,

Introduction

I had the opportunity to grow up and live a very normal life as a child. I had great parents, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and shoes on my feet. I played numerous sports, celebrated birthdays, Christmas and all of the other standard holidays. My life was good, I had nothing to complain about. Except one thing, I had a speech block, not a stutter, it was a block. I couldn’t get sentences started, I would get stuck halfway through a sentence, I couldn’t introduce myself. My throat would lock up, the air would stop flowing and then I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say my name, it was extremely embarrassing. I became very self-conscious; it got to a point where I began to put on an act, created a new identity. I was athletic, so I adopted the “cool jock” persona in hopes of deterring people from talking to me. I wouldn’t talk unless I was addressed. The only time I would start a conversation was if it was one of my closest friends that already knew about my impediment.

My earliest memories of the severity of my block go back to elementary school. I would have to stay inside at recess to present my projects and speech’s. One moment in particular that left a traumatic imprint on my brain was the grade 8 speeches. The thought of having to present in front of the class was terrifying. I barley got by presenting one on one with the teacher. I dreaded every verbal interaction, looking at the face of the person I was speaking to, them trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with this guy, he cant talk, made me feel pathetic. I avoided conversation if possible at all costs.

During the start of a new hockey season before the first practice started all of the guys were stretching around centre ice. We had new coaches this year, and of course, we had to go around the circle and introduce our self, name, where were from and where we played last year, etc. in these scenarios my heart rate increases and starts to pound through my chest, because I know…..Fuck.. I hate this. Finally, im up. I get stuck on the pronunciation of the D in my name and it takes 10 seconds for me to spit my name out. I’m cursing myself at this point internally, come on buddy, calm down, relax and say your name. Dustin faith, it finally works its way out. The damage has been done, I feel like an idiot, I’m embarrassed; I bow my head and stare at the ice in defeat, to scared to make eye contact with the guys next to me. I found out later the coach asked the guys if I was screwing with him, pretending to not being able to talk. This was my reality, this was my daily struggle. How to avoid conversation, how to manipulate conversation so it ends quickly or be the first to engage so I have time to think about what I’m going to say and prepare my vocal chords to speak.

Talking on the phone was also a nightmare. These interactions are strictly verbal; there is no non-verbal component. The person on the other end couldn’t see me fighting to get a word out so by the time I answer with hello…..click, they hang up. I call back, sorry sir the called dropped, sorry your phone is breaking up, sorry, there must be bad service, “no worries” I say, knowing there wasn’t anything wrong with the service. I just cant talk, again, my self esteem takes a hit, man, I’m a loser. I let out a scream after the phone call comes to an end. The frustration, anger, embarrassment leaves my body and echo’s in the car.

Approaching girls to strike up a conversation, not an option. There was no way in hell I had the confidence to walk up to a girl I was interested in to then not be able to speak to her and look like an idiot. If I saw a girl through out my day-to-day errands I was intrigued by, if the thought of going to speak to her crossed my mind, again, my heart rate would increase and I would be filled with anxiety.

If, on a rare occasion, I built up the confidence to engage in conversation with someone new, I would have went over the possible scenario in my head a number of times, what am I going to say, how I will say it, how I will start the interaction. Creating a map in my mind on how to navigate around the words that give me the most trouble. Whether that be, taking longer pauses between words and sentences to prepare my mind for what I am about to say, clearing my throat to get the air flowing, then immediately saying it. Placing “filler” words in front of words that I know I will get stuck on. For example, when someone asks my name, instead of saying “Dustin Faith”, I will have to say “my name is Dustin Faith”, over the years I have figured out different ways to navigate around the words that give me the most trouble. Something so simple, has become such a large part of my life and thought process everyday.

As I grew older, the transition from adolescents to adulthood came with its own unique obstacles and challenges. What started out as grade 6 presentations turned into interviews with fire departments. As I grew into a young man my perspective on speech and conversation had evolved. I realized there was no running from interaction, I needed to be able to carry on a conversation, I needed to be able to speak.

At the age of 22 I finally had come to the conclusion about what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. There was a lot of second guessing over the years, but it was always in the back of my mind. I wanted to be a firefighter. The reason I was so hesitant in committing to this career path was because I knew there was going to be an extensive interviewing process. I was scared of rejection, looking stupid. I was scared of failing, letting my parents down. I had already began psyching myself out before anything even happened. I was almost setting myself up for failure; I would place myself in the interview scenario, picture them asking me questions and not being able to spit the words out. This was taking place before I even submitted a resume to a Fire Department.

The year, 2015, I had graduated Fire College, worked two winters as an industrial firefighter and spent one season forest fire fighting in northern Ontario. I was currently working as a stunt performer in the film industry.

I landed an interview with the Ajax Fire Department, made it to the second faze of the interview process. This stage entailed a typing test, two online tests and one mock dispatching test. Typing test, check. That was easy. Both online tests, check. Mock dispatching test…shit. I couldn’t talk; my block came into full effect. It took me too long to read the paragraphs. They didn’t tell you, you failed in person. You had to wait for the results in the mail. But I knew I failed. I felt defeated; I wasn’t sure what my future was going to look like, how the hell would I ever get onto a department if I couldn’t get through an interview? I told my parents that I failed because I missed one of the questions, I was to embarrassed to tell them I failed because I got stuck.

Aright dust, its time to get over this. Over the past 5-6 years I have been intrigued by peoples ability to push them selves. The mind is such a powerful tool, yet it can also be very destructive. It can get you through some of the toughest situations you will ever experience in life; it will also keep you in bed, in the dark, bathing in your own depression. This experience here on earth is made up of choices. I could choose to identify with my speech impediment, I could choose to keep avoiding people and conversation, I could choose to keep feeling sorry for myself. But what good would that do? Or I could choose to work on it, I could choose to put myself in those positions where I feel most uncomfortable and force myself to work through it, I could choose to look inward to figure out where is this coming from and why? I could choose to work on techniques to help me calm down and detach from the conversation at hand. This is what I chose to do… Today, March 25, 2018. I am a firefighter with the Brantford Fire Department, where we respond to emergency medical calls that require patient interaction and questioning, we have to rotate through the communication centre answering emergency phone calls and dispatching the trucks to the appropriate location, I am stunt performer for television and film, a level 1 Crossfit instructor and soon to be podcaster. I still get “blocked” on occasion, but it is only for a fraction of the time it used to be. I know when and what words I will get stuck on, so it is much easier for me to navigate through the block and keep the conversation flowing. I am also not as ashamed of it as I used to be, I feel more confident telling people about it which I believe has removed the block from the pedestal from which I placed it on my whole life. It used to control my every thought and interaction throughout my day. I am giving it less attention and meaning. I am trying to stop identifying with it, I am no longer the block and the block is no longer me. I am a point in my life where I have never felt more comfortable conversing with people, I enjoy conversation. I want to get to a place where the fear no longer exists and talking becomes second nature, a place where I don’t have to think about the words. A place where, they just are…

The Reason I wrote this

I wrote this because I enjoy helping people. I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I am comfortable sharing the techniques I developed for myself to cope with the debilitating social anxiety that comes with living with a speech Impediment. They have helped me get to a place where I am now able to keep a conversation flowing. So if they can help at least one more person manage their stutter, block or impediment then great.

There were times when I didn’t feel like leaving the house, didn’t want to go to my hockey games and dreaded going to school. Communication is the foundation of every relationship and interaction you will have in your life. If you cant communicate effectively, life, your experience of life, can become a miserable one.

Ordering food at a restaurant when the waiter/waitress makes their way to you, answering the phone, introducing yourself, ordering a coffee at the cash register, asking for help when you don’t understand what the teacher said, interviewing for a job, sitting in the hockey dressing room full of guys just listening to the conversation because you cant bother talking anymore, something that would take a couple seconds to say turns into a 30 second struggle. I cant count the number of times I wanted to add something to the conversation, by the time it took me to mentally prepare for it, the moment had past, and again, I was left feeling defeated. Going through the drive thru, waiting inline to purchase your movie ticket, getting picked to read a passage of a book to the class. Every normal day to day interaction was a mental battle. I was at war with myself.

Okay Dust, this time you’ve got it, stay calm, relax, its just a bunch of words, you can do it. My heart rate starts to increase as the waitress approaches to take my order, I have practiced what I’m going to say a number of times in my head in preparation for this moment, because I know the chances of me saying it without the block are slim to none. She steps up to the end of the table, “I hate this” I say to myself. Can I take your order sir? I picked up the menu and pointed to what I want while struggling to get the words out. This way, she will be able to see what I want and start writing it down. She looks at me, confused, struggling to talk and says it for me in a question undertone, mild chicken wings with a garden salad? At this moment there is some relief, in that I no longer have to sit there struggling, trying to order my meal, but there is also frustration, anger and embarrassment. I failed again.

One of the situations I dreaded the most was when I was in a conversation or asking the initial question and that person didn’t hear me, then asks me to repeat the question or statement. The added pressure of them wanting me to repeat myself made it feel like all the spot lights suddenly turned to me. Being put on the spot, where they are now looking at me to repeat the question made it extremely difficult for me to get the question or sentence out. In these scenarios the speech block was very aggressive. I became even more self conscious, they are now looking at you waiting for you to repeat what they previously didn’t hear.

I’m not looking for sympathy, in a way, I am grateful to have grown up with this speech block. Having to overcome adversity everyday has created the man I am today. It has given me a unique perspective on communication, life and compassion for others. I love the underdog, I love helping those in need. I hope these techniques can help someone who is experiencing the same thing.